i wonder

Yesterday when I was walking through the mall I saw the cutest thing, and it really made me think.  The scene was 3 kids who were between the ages of 3 and 5, and their Dad standing around one of those coin rolling donation thingies.  What do you call them?  You know.. you put a coin in this slot and roll it and it goes around... and around... and around... until after a very long time it seems it drops out of site at the bottom.  It's a big funnel for coins.  Anyway, back to my story.  I saw these kids watching the coins.  Two of them were so small that they crawled up on top of the contraption to get a better view of the coin rolling around.  Even the dad was bent over and smiling watching this coin roll round.  I smiled too!  But then it hit me...

Where is my wonder?  Where is my simple enjoyment of everyday moments?

I know where the are.  They are lost in cynicism.  Lost to the fact that I have been there and done that and nothing much has changed so why bother.  

My heart has become hard.  

It no longer seeks the joy of everything around me.  It says "you know it may look new, but you've seen this before, and it's not worth it.  There is a past pain that keeps me from seeing things the way God intended it to be.  Every moment is new, it hasn't happened before, but somehow I wrap that moment around my past and look at it from a distorted view.  Part of it is genetic, part of it is instinct and part of it is self preservation.  Honestly, I don't like it much.

I wish I could look at each new moment as "new" and with a sense of wonder.  My kids are experiencing everything as new and I don't engage because, again.... been there done that... time to move on.  Even a simple trip to the grocery store could be an adventure, but....

I have been down these aisles before and I know what lies on all of the shelves there is nothing here to experience, so let's just get this over with.

How sad!!

I wish I had more wonder, I wish I could take away the cloud of "past experiences" and let the joy of today flood through me.  I wish I didn't judge new relationships, based on past hurts from others.  

I wish I laughed more.

tori and taylor

Two pictures of wounds hit me hard this week. As you can see by the post title I am writing about Tory Spelling and Taylor Swift.

It all started when I was at the doctor's office reading (frankly whatever was in the room at the time) of all things Bazar magazine. In the magazine there was a short interview, or maybe it was just a quote, by Tori Spelling. The quote was a recollection of Tori to her younger years. She said "when I was younger I went into my parents bedroom and I asked my mother if I was pretty, my mother replied you will be when you get your nose done" Wow! Talk about a major wound and you can see the effects of it still today.

It is every girls question to their mommy... Am I pretty?

I have a hard time with this next one because everyone has given it way more attention that it ever deserved. I watched an excited Taylor Swift accept her award at the MTV video awards, only to have her moment stolen and left feeling, I am sure, less than stellar. I saw this young girl watch what was going on in disbelief, and.... I saw her hurt.

I felt her hurt..... I think we all did.

I say I think we all did because of the strong reactions it evoked. I saw words like idiot mostly, I saw punk, thug and I won't write what the President of the United States allegedly said.

One person admittedly thought "idiot" first, then remembered even this guy had a story, and had deep wounds and that this guy needed Jesus. Amen... but here is the fact... We all need Jesus.

We are all broken, wounded, hurting and in need of a Savior. I am no better than the guy who stole her moment.

I have done worse!

I don't think I have the right to call him any names. I do have the right to pray for both of them, and pray that they do find redemption and healing through Jesus. Some say it was all for pubilicity, and from what I hear it worked.

I hope everyone who watched learned something.

My prayer for these young ladies (Tori and Taylor) is that God would reveal Himself, and show them how beautiful, how valuable, and how captivating they truly are.

Not for their looks....... songs....... or money or anything other thing on earth, but for who God created them to be.

not meant to be

Well, I just finished a blog post about the meaning of life. It was OK... nothing great and I really just couldn't finish it up and it didn't feel right. So what do I do? Instead of just hitting save and waiting for the right time and waiting for God to speak, I took control and muddled through it.

Like I always do... I take control.

Long story short - I hit "publish", then I tried to view it on my blog and it was gone! It wasn't the right post and it wasn't the right time, and I am OK with that.

A little frustrated, but OK.

help-portrait

rugged individualism

"I am a rock, I am an island,
and a rock feels no pain
and an island never cries" - Simon and Garfunkel

I am on my own! This is one of the biggest lies that we hear daily, and one that I have been dealing with lately. We live in a culture that says you are on your own, that says "deal with it and move on".

In the last few days I was reminded of the term "Rugged Individualism". For those who have forgotten your high school history lessons, this term came from Herbert Hoover (and the Republican party) and it means that you should survive and succeed on your own with little government help. Upon some further research I found these 7 tendencies of "individualism"

1. I am free
2. I have rights
3. I am equal
4. Only reason binds me
5. I am isolated from everything
6. I am the master of the earth
7. I am godless

Wow! How opposite is this from the Christian faith! We are created for connection, for relationship and for love of others. Here is my attempt to put 7 tendencies of the Christian Faith just to show how opposite we should be to the tendencies of Individualism.

1. I am a slave (Romans 6:22)
2. I submit to the authority of God (Romans 13:1)
3. I am a son and heir (Galatians 4:7)
4. Christ's love binds me (Romans 8:39)
5. I am connected (Genesis 2:18)
6. I am an heir to the Master (Galatians 4:7)
7. I have one God (Exodus 20:5)

There are some other things I need to be reminded of beyond this list. Things like, I am an image bearer, I am loved, I am free in Christ, and I am forgiven. The last one is tough sometimes.

I am forgiven.

Recently I have been thrown back into my story, and while it has been difficult it feels like more and more pieces are fitting together. It is funny how you think life is good, you know your past and have dealt with it, then WHAM you get hit with something.

Issues of abandonment and control keep rearing their ugly heads in my story. In a meeting with a friend I was discussing my early years on my own, and how broke I was all of the time. There were times I did not eat, had to walk or skateboard to work, because I did not have enough money for gas. His comment to me was that you have come a long way from that past, and have become successful. I have to admit I never saw the next comment coming, and frankly it really got me thinking. He said - wow, that is either a great story of redemption from God, or you have really worked hard. So there is the link to the 7 items above. Has God redeemed my life (sure He has), or have I willed this to happen from vows I have made with myself to never be in that predicament again?

Rugged Individualism or Grace?

I know the answer now. It doesn't change my instinct though. Funny how instinct can override anything we have learned. I am a work in progress, moving through the dynamic process of sanctification.

I am so blessed to have some close friends that know my story, and I can invite them into my revelations and recollections and they help edit and understand my story. I couldn't handle most of this without them. God has put these guys in my life and I am so thankful for them. I also have to thank my wife for being the best editor ever!

meaning of life

What is the meaning of life?

It is the ultimate question everyone of us asks. I have to admit I am not that philosophical, or deep, so I don't dwell on the question much. I am pretty laid back when it comes to the questions of life. I have always said whatever happens, happens. Another favorite expression of mine is "It is what it is". This attitude was probably born from my days of surfing where all I cared about was whether the waves were up or down.

Not much else, just up or down. It is what it is.

So now I am "grown up" and I start to think about things from a different perspective. I look at things from a wide angle lens, instead of a telephoto focused on me. There are others around me, who depend on me. I am starting to see the bigger picture.

So... back to my point, the meaning of life.

Along my journey I have answered a number of questions, like who am I, am I worthy, does anybody really care? God has revealed so much about Himself to me lately that these questions get answered.

God answers the questions. I don't.

So there is still the question of the meaning of life. What is my ultimate purpose? I have come up with this very simple answer:

My life should be a response of gratitude for everything Christ has done for me.

Nothing more.

rainy days and mondays

"Talkin to myself and feeling old,
Sometimes I would like to quit,
nothin ever seems to fit.
Hangin around,
nothing to do but frown.
Rainy Days and Mondays always get me down"

My iPod was on shuffle, and this gloomy old song by The Carpenters came on. At first I wanted to skip over it, then I decided that I haven't heard it in a long time so why not. First off let me say that I am having a pretty good day, nothing spectacular... but pretty OK. I have had good meetings, got a lot of stuff taken care of, planned for my next three weeks, cleaned my office, all of it good stuff.

Then I listened to the song and specifically the lyrics I typed earlier above. I sank hard. I realized things may not be as good as they seem. I may have been getting all of these things done, and feeling good just to mask the pain of something else going on. Just hearing the lyrics made me sad almost immediately.

I have been learning about emotions the last month or so, and one thing I have learned is that if I feel it, I need to admit it, and if I admit it, I can then find out what is really going on. It didn't take long to realize what I was sad about, and yes something else was going on.

I let a good friend down this weekend. I feel sad about it, I also feel a little shame about not stepping up and being a friend. I can't reverse anything that has happened, but I am sad and wish I could change things.

"Hangin around, nothin to do but frown"

I am hoping for his forgiveness. I am hoping for reconciliation.

While I wrote that I just thought about how many people "hope for forgiveness", even from God? Do you hope. . . . or believe? I do have to admit that through all of this I have let God down too. I should have . . . the points are too many to list here. I am at a loss.

God doesn't call us to do anything for him, but He calls us into a relationship with Him and that through that love relationship we will care about the things He cares about. Like it says in James that we should care for the widows and orphans, not as an agenda item on our long list of items to get done, but simply because through the Holy Spirit, God in us, we see from a new perspective and we do everything out of love for Him. In this I failed badly!

"God does not set us here first of all to preach or to do work for Him. The first thing for which He sets us here is to create in others a hunger for Himself. That is, after all, what prepares the soil for the preaching" - Watchman Nee, The Normal Christian Life

I would like to feel very differently right now, but I think the song just fits today.

spread the wealth around

I have to admit I am a few days behind with my reaction to this comment. I heard the "Joe the Plumber" incident yesterday on the news, and when I heard Obama's comment I was angry and sad at the same time. I am not a political expert but even I can see the flawed thinking in this one.

First off it is NOT the governments responsibility to "spread the wealth around". It is the governments responsibility to collect taxes to run the government and provide infrastructure, protection and other services needed to make this country run. While I do believe the government has some social responsibility to help those truly in need, I don't think that includes spreading the wealth around. The government , in my opinion, needs to remember that they are stewards of the taxpayers money, not owners. They have a responsibility to spend it judiciously. On a side note, look up the word Politic some time see what it means, and where we get the word Politics.

Politic - 1. shrewd or prudent in practical matters; tactful; diplomatic.

I have promised in the blog for it not to be about me, but about God and how we see Him, hear from Him and how to live for His glory, not ours. So here is how I was sad by Obama's statement. I think we as Christians need to be doing more to help out those in need.

This is the part where I start to rant.

We are so caught up in big! Big houses, Big churches, Big cars. We have no margin in our lives to give anything away. We are mortgaged to the hilt, but we are comfortable. We are building BIG churches and calling it success and prosperity. Churches today carry a lot of debt, believe it or not. If we added up all of the interest (just interest) of all of the Church Debt across this country do you know how much that could help those truly in need?

It is just not about "The Church", it is us for failing to give.

Our inability to give because of our lack of margin, or our greediness, leaves our churches short. We all should be prepared to give what God asks, 10%, and we should also be prepared to give even more. I go back to the previous paragraph and ask the same question, sort of. If everyone gave 10% to the church where they are a member, how much debt would the church have? My guess is probably none.

We as Americans, and as Christians have an opportunity to impact The United States and the world in a BIG way. By giving. We need to support our local churches better, and be ready to give our lives away. I love this quote from Kenny Luck in his book "Risk" - "Obedience is the evidence that convinces the world that we are indeed grateful".

The government is not the solution, we are.

Show the world today that you are truly grateful for everything God has given to you, and pass it along. Remember we are only stewards, not owners.